Actual
Answers to a Sixth Grade History tests (author unknown):1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies
and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate
of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible
is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis,
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain,
asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the
Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and
seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks
ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the
Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never
stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on
the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
Bernard Shaw.
13. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.
14. In midevil times most people were
alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many
poems and verses and also wrote literature.
15. Another story was William Tell,
who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
16. Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
17.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable
type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100‑foot
clipper.
18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
19. Writing at the
same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next
great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained.
20. During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
Fe.
21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and
many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
22. One
of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.
Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
23.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration
of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards
and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
24. Soon the Constitution of the United States
was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
25. Abraham Lincoln became America's
greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
26. Meanwhile in Europe, the
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also
wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
27. Johann
Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of
children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his
attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in
the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
30. The sun
never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and
the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a
thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of
a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network
of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
32. The First
World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch‑Duck by an anahist, ushered in
a new error in the anals of human history.
